So,
Sitting in a room having shadows washing over, cast from the light on my bedside table. So full of Want, so full of Desire that it fills me up and seeps from my pores, coming from somewhere deep inside. It is tangible once again. The water fills up behind my eyes, wanting to fall, wishing to break free but it is forced to stop before it even touches my lids. Desiring something yet knowing the Truth. The Truth being if I had what I Desired I would be even more miserable. Getting sick of the same ole story, time and time again. It's just the same pages being rewritten and rewritten. It gets old. It gets tiresome. It gets exhausting. So here I sit, with the shadows, not really knowing if they are coming from the beside lamp or from within me.
I confessed today to a friend. A friend who probably never knew that the Darkness lies in me. Never really understood that the things that people mistake as Vanity is just a sheer cover to disguise the Desire and Want. It is so close to the surface again, so a restlessness that fills the empty space surrounding me but never gets to the empty spaces within. Those things I never want people to know are sometimes the scariest things of all. Those secrets about Self that are more than just weaknesses. They are such an ingrained part of the Soul, tender and bruised, and it shirks away from the air when exposed. One little thing leads to another which leads to me sitting here, with the shadows.
I had to make that confession to my Unsuspecting Friend because I was Empty. And Lost and full of Desire and Want. I was Empty and it was bubbling over. A simple situation out of control in my head has led me down this path again. What are you looking for? What is it? I know, but can rarely speak it. The Truth of it hurts too much. I tried today to say it, but I just could not.
I'll speak the truth, out-loud, to someone someday. Just not right now.
Who Am I,
July 16, 2007
July 14, 2007
Shout Out To......The Big Lug
So,
D-Nix and I
decided to meet up for a Happy Hour at a H-O-M-O establishment. A rare appearance for me d
uring the week but a weekly place for D-Nix, we decided on Big Lug. Big Lug is a bar located on Avenue A between 5 & 6th.
This place was the bomb and the diggity!!! It was empty at the time I went, but the bartender was super friendly (and hot) and D-Nix and I had a blast. I have decided that I would make this place a regular stop on the train. It was nice to have a place full of (or with at least two ) H-O-M-
O's that aren't preten
tious and were actually genuine and nice. I will be at Big Lug on Thursday's for Happy Hour. Come out and buy me a drink!!!!
D-Nix and I
decided to meet up for a Happy Hour at a H-O-M-O establishment. A rare appearance for me d
uring the week but a weekly place for D-Nix, we decided on Big Lug. Big Lug is a bar located on Avenue A between 5 & 6th.This place was the bomb and the diggity!!! It was empty at the time I went, but the bartender was super friendly (and hot) and D-Nix and I had a blast. I have decided that I would make this place a regular stop on the train. It was nice to have a place full of (or with at least two ) H-O-M-
O's that aren't preten
tious and were actually genuine and nice. I will be at Big Lug on Thursday's for Happy Hour. Come out and buy me a drink!!!!
July 13, 2007
Lost
So,
It is a giant weight that is sitting on my chest, sometimes making it very hard to move. It is the beginning of a depression that I am trying to fight off. I do hear the little voice inside of my screaming to fight, because we both know that if it wins out I'll be down for the count. Part of it is because I just came back from the K-Y. It was wonderful to be back and to be surrounded by Those That Love Without Reason. I have been blessed to be surrounded by that kind of Love. That Love that is forgiven and peaceful. The kind of Love that isn't fought for, or fought against, the kind of Love that just is. It is the same old cry that I have been crying for the last 30 some-odd years. I Am Lonely.
I don't even know where I want to go with that last statement. I am sitting across from Misc. She cares about me and makes sure that I don't wallow too much in my own pit of despair. She loves me for me. But that's still not enough and that makes me sad (and mad). I want it to be enough. I want my friends to fulfill those needs that I am not finding in a romantic way. So what I want to curl up with someone or want to be held by someone or just want to be able to turn to someone in bed? I have friends to talk to and share my feelings with. I should be okay with that. I want to be okay with that. It's just that I"m not. I Am Pissed.
What is meant for me, is meant for me. What is meant to be mine cannot be taken away from me by any man(or woman) because it has already been given to me. I believe this. But does this mean that I 'll never date? Or be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? Or not make a fool out of myself in front of every cute man that looks my way? Or obsesses over absolutely nothing? Will I ever be at peace with myself? Is it always the continual search or does it ever stop?
I honestly don't know. Until then, I Am Searching.
Who Am I,
It is a giant weight that is sitting on my chest, sometimes making it very hard to move. It is the beginning of a depression that I am trying to fight off. I do hear the little voice inside of my screaming to fight, because we both know that if it wins out I'll be down for the count. Part of it is because I just came back from the K-Y. It was wonderful to be back and to be surrounded by Those That Love Without Reason. I have been blessed to be surrounded by that kind of Love. That Love that is forgiven and peaceful. The kind of Love that isn't fought for, or fought against, the kind of Love that just is. It is the same old cry that I have been crying for the last 30 some-odd years. I Am Lonely.
I don't even know where I want to go with that last statement. I am sitting across from Misc. She cares about me and makes sure that I don't wallow too much in my own pit of despair. She loves me for me. But that's still not enough and that makes me sad (and mad). I want it to be enough. I want my friends to fulfill those needs that I am not finding in a romantic way. So what I want to curl up with someone or want to be held by someone or just want to be able to turn to someone in bed? I have friends to talk to and share my feelings with. I should be okay with that. I want to be okay with that. It's just that I"m not. I Am Pissed.
What is meant for me, is meant for me. What is meant to be mine cannot be taken away from me by any man(or woman) because it has already been given to me. I believe this. But does this mean that I 'll never date? Or be attracted to someone that is attracted to me back? Or not make a fool out of myself in front of every cute man that looks my way? Or obsesses over absolutely nothing? Will I ever be at peace with myself? Is it always the continual search or does it ever stop?
I honestly don't know. Until then, I Am Searching.
Who Am I,
July 8, 2007
Dear Kate: An Open Letter To A Reader
So,
Kate how are you? Who are you? I love when I get messages from people that I don't know who read my blog! Usually it's just the fam and friends that visit Beautifuldammit but it makes me happy to know that somewhere, out in the cyber universe, someone that I don't know stumbles across this random grouping of words known as my digital life! Kate, first thank you for the compliment about loving my blog. It truly is an exercise to try to keep it as up-to-date as possible. I did want to write to you in response to a comment you left on my post Year One: Aftermath. You stated, Question: If God wanted to, could he give a mortal man/woman the power to absolve sins in his (Gods) name?
A very interesting question, Kate. The question you posed came from a comment I made in that particular post where I state that I had an urge to confess but not be absolved because no mortal man or woman has that power. Sin is a burden that lays heavy on my heart on a continual basis. It is something that I struggle with and I do ask to be forgiven of those transgressions which I make against that good nature of God and all that He has given. I do believe that God gives his message to us in many different ways, including the gifts that we are bestowed with on a daily basis. My life is at its most serene when I follow the path and I begin to have the most difficulty when I question and decide not to listen. My Faith is my Trust in the Love that He provides. Now with that being said, it is in Man that I have doubt. Man is the most boastful when she (or he) say that they know the mind of God or understand his wants or needs better than another person. What mortal can lay claim to that? What mortal can lay claim to the idea that they understand my transgressions and because they know the mind of God, can forgive me in His name? I was always amazed how many religions can lay claim to the right of forgiveness. A man (for arguments sake, let's use the term priest) has studied the word of God through the Bible and has received an ordination. Where does the power of Ordination came from? Is it really from God? All of those rights and clearances that come from that Ordination come from another mortal who received it from another mortal all the way back to one man (not a she but a he) who claims to be God's representative on Earth (and he received that moniker and power by privilege and luck of birth and place not necessarily that of the hand of God). I just can't fathom that any one mortal who is cloaked in Sin can absolve another who wears that same cloak. My heart (and God knows what a dark and desolate place that is) is opened to God because I can hide nothing. Not my desires or my wants or my happiness can be blocked from His view and only He can see when I ask for forgiveness how much of that is genuine. Forgiveness lies in my heart and comes from a true place. That is why when I say no mortal can give absolution because I don't believe God gives that power to any mortal. This is not to say that if God wants to, God can give that power of Absolution to any one He deems fit. I do not claim to know the mind of God. I am not that vain.
I hope Kate that we can keep up this discussion. I hope that you keep reading my blog and I hope that my readers understand that there are many paths to the Truth which is love, compassion and understanding. Use whatever name deemed fit, we are all walking (hopefully) in the same direction.
Who Am I,
Kate how are you? Who are you? I love when I get messages from people that I don't know who read my blog! Usually it's just the fam and friends that visit Beautifuldammit but it makes me happy to know that somewhere, out in the cyber universe, someone that I don't know stumbles across this random grouping of words known as my digital life! Kate, first thank you for the compliment about loving my blog. It truly is an exercise to try to keep it as up-to-date as possible. I did want to write to you in response to a comment you left on my post Year One: Aftermath. You stated, Question: If God wanted to, could he give a mortal man/woman the power to absolve sins in his (Gods) name?
A very interesting question, Kate. The question you posed came from a comment I made in that particular post where I state that I had an urge to confess but not be absolved because no mortal man or woman has that power. Sin is a burden that lays heavy on my heart on a continual basis. It is something that I struggle with and I do ask to be forgiven of those transgressions which I make against that good nature of God and all that He has given. I do believe that God gives his message to us in many different ways, including the gifts that we are bestowed with on a daily basis. My life is at its most serene when I follow the path and I begin to have the most difficulty when I question and decide not to listen. My Faith is my Trust in the Love that He provides. Now with that being said, it is in Man that I have doubt. Man is the most boastful when she (or he) say that they know the mind of God or understand his wants or needs better than another person. What mortal can lay claim to that? What mortal can lay claim to the idea that they understand my transgressions and because they know the mind of God, can forgive me in His name? I was always amazed how many religions can lay claim to the right of forgiveness. A man (for arguments sake, let's use the term priest) has studied the word of God through the Bible and has received an ordination. Where does the power of Ordination came from? Is it really from God? All of those rights and clearances that come from that Ordination come from another mortal who received it from another mortal all the way back to one man (not a she but a he) who claims to be God's representative on Earth (and he received that moniker and power by privilege and luck of birth and place not necessarily that of the hand of God). I just can't fathom that any one mortal who is cloaked in Sin can absolve another who wears that same cloak. My heart (and God knows what a dark and desolate place that is) is opened to God because I can hide nothing. Not my desires or my wants or my happiness can be blocked from His view and only He can see when I ask for forgiveness how much of that is genuine. Forgiveness lies in my heart and comes from a true place. That is why when I say no mortal can give absolution because I don't believe God gives that power to any mortal. This is not to say that if God wants to, God can give that power of Absolution to any one He deems fit. I do not claim to know the mind of God. I am not that vain.
I hope Kate that we can keep up this discussion. I hope that you keep reading my blog and I hope that my readers understand that there are many paths to the Truth which is love, compassion and understanding. Use whatever name deemed fit, we are all walking (hopefully) in the same direction.
Who Am I,
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