Desire and Want

So,
Sitting in a room having shadows washing over, cast from the light on my bedside table. So full of Want, so full of Desire that it fills me up and seeps from my pores, coming from somewhere deep inside. It is tangible once again. The water fills up behind my eyes, wanting to fall, wishing to break free but it is forced to stop before it even touches my lids. Desiring something yet knowing the Truth. The Truth being if I had what I Desired I would be even more miserable. Getting sick of the same ole story, time and time again. It's just the same pages being rewritten and rewritten. It gets old. It gets tiresome. It gets exhausting. So here I sit, with the shadows, not really knowing if they are coming from the beside lamp or from within me.

I confessed today to a friend. A friend who probably never knew that the Darkness lies in me. Never really understood that the things that people mistake as Vanity is just a sheer cover to disguise the Desire and Want. It is so close to the surface again, so a restlessness that fills the empty space surrounding me but never gets to the empty spaces within. Those things I never want people to know are sometimes the scariest things of all. Those secrets about Self that are more than just weaknesses. They are such an ingrained part of the Soul, tender and bruised, and it shirks away from the air when exposed. One little thing leads to another which leads to me sitting here, with the shadows.

I had to make that confession to my Unsuspecting Friend because I was Empty. And Lost and full of Desire and Want. I was Empty and it was bubbling over. A simple situation out of control in my head has led me down this path again. What are you looking for? What is it? I know, but can rarely speak it. The Truth of it hurts too much. I tried today to say it, but I just could not.

I'll speak the truth, out-loud, to someone someday. Just not right now.

Who Am I,